Bodyguarding for Dummies

So I've seen many of these dummy!books lying around teh place 8D and seeing as I am both bored and insane, I decided to do mah own doodle version :D just...imagine Gil is really fucking bored in one of Howard's dumb as ass meetings and someone has ill-advisedly given him and a pen and paper to occupy him, or summat XDD


There's our hero, dummy!Gil >w< with his trusty crappy gun of doom. And yes, this special edition of the book now includes 20% MOAR HOWARD indeed! ...due to the fact that's he's scribbled sarcastic comments all over Gil's hard work baaaaaw ;^;


Most important of all: know your charge! Here is an average example. Note the terrible haircut and tendency to snarl. Now remember folks: if your charge has hired you, chances are he's a) rich and b) ergo, a giant prick. Bear this in mind. If after a week you find yourself 1) fantasising about tearing his nads off and frying them in oil, 2) jumping off the nearest high thing, then please discard this book and consult 'Assassinating for Dummies' instead. :D


Ok, so you're one week in and neither you nor the prick are dead. Good job! Time to learn the Bodyguard basics. The general idea is to place your lovely self between danger and your charge. And yes, folks, this does involve a high risk of excruciating pain and emasculation, so unless you happen to be blessed with girly parts or balls of steel you're likely not to enjoy it much. Tough shit.

Please note the diagram above, of how, and how not, to protect a charge. Here danger is graciously represented by Larry the angry lion.

Fig A: the CORRECT execution. Positioning demonstrated as danger (Larry) then you (incredibly sexy/dashing/charming/witty/etc person) then the charge (PRICK).

Fig B: INCORRECT but somewhat hilarious. Positioning shows danger (happy Larry) the charge (pissy prick) then you, distracted by pretty flowers and shiny things while the charge dies horribly. Ah well. Shame.

Next: HOW TO BE IMPOSING

Ok, so you're a Bodyguard. This we have established, but as this is a book for DUMMIES I'll reiterate the point. The best way to protect your charge is to look so incredibly badass, any potential assassin/thug/fangirl wouldn't even dream of accosting them. If you're a) 7 feet tall b) Hulk Hogan or c) have shark teeth, feel free to skip this section. For those of you on the weedier side, consider these methods to improve your imposing...ness.

1) Practice your RAAAAAAR! A good rar will deter any pest, sane or insane.

2) Wear platform shoes. Not stupid ones, just ones big enough to make you a teensy bit taller. Just be sure you CAN walk in them though, Einstein, unless you wanna end up looking like a sorority sister in stilettos.

3) KEEP YOUR HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE I cannot stress enough how important this is. Not only will your either incredibly handsome/ugly features momentarily blind any threats, but you will also now be able to see them (moron). Plus, your bangs won't get caught in doors. And you won't end up looking like that creepy girl from The Ring. Ew.

4) ...if all else fails, just get plastic surgery so you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. This method has a bonus: whenever you pop off to the little boy/girl's room, people will find it hilarious when you utter the phrase, 'I'll be back'.

~~~

XD Please don't call the nice men in white coats?