The Negatives: Arch-Villains for Hire!

The Negatives: Arch-Villains for Hire

~Light needs darkness. Good needs evil. And I need a drink.~

R: When I tell you that I am a Bad Guy, I want you to understand exactly what that means.

It does not mean I dress up in spandex, call myself the Doominator and go around tying up the Good Guys in provocative positions then soliloquising while they attempt their daring escape.

It means I will kill men, women and children. I won’t do it because I have to, or because my Daddy touched me in a bad place when I was young. I will do it because I’m paid to. Or because I feel like it. Or just because I fucking can.

Although...there is some spandex. It’s a Kevlar weave. But it is spandex. And I did tie a damsel to some train tracks once. But that’s beside the point. I certainly won’t be having some kind of plot-device induced Sunny Delight epiphany half way through the Trilogy-

B: It’s a Trilogy?!

R: -I’m EVIL. Shoots-babies-in-the-head-then-feeds-them-to-a-goat EVIL. Is that understood? I will NOT reform. Not going to happen.

B: Except, it totally is. Cos who would want to read a story about a bunch of jerks, right Roth? Character development, man, seriously. It’s right here in our contract, next to ‘collateral damage minimal’, see?

R: Shut UP, Bastille.

B: My name’s not Bastille. It’s Steve the Mildly Malicious.

R: Uh-huh. Can I get back to the prologue now?

B: Be my guest. [Mutters] Priscilla. Also, what’s the point of putting mysterious letters in front of our dialogue if we’ve both already mentioned each others names??

R: I hate you so fucking much right now.

B: Fangirl interpretation: take me now, Bast-baby! Throw me down on that gurney and mount me like a cheetah-

R: ENOUGH!

B: Alright, alright. Jeez. Take a deep breath. Let the homo-erotic subtext work its magic.

R: ...what?

B: No-thing. But if you’re not up for that, I’ll settle for bromance.

R: ...

The baddest clichés in town

The baddest criminals in town (the only criminals in town) so yeah, the baddest criminals in town

Roth. Bastille. Loki. Isaac. Ishmael. Specs. BC. Sue-Mary. And Gary.

All powerful narrator called Blooperman.

B: I'm a Robot!

L: ...that's it?

B: That's it. Well, I'm also blonde. And I like boobs. And ponies.

L: Huh. Ponies are cool.

B: Yes they are. Are you gay?

L: I'm Loki. I'm immortal, and forever young. And I like to cut myself.

R: Let me get this straight: you're eternally pretty and impossible to kill, and you intend to utilise these character traits by bitching about it.

L: Yup. I'm also your long lost clone/evil twin.

R: I see.

R: I’m Roth. I’m evil.

B: And hot.

R: Yes. Evil and hot.

G: I’m Gary. I’m dead.

B: That sucks.

G: Tell me about it.

S: I’m Spec. I’m just some guy.

R: Get out.

S: Or, I could be your generic self-insertion techno-geek character.

R: That works.

Sue Mary: I’m your reformist love interest!

R: No, you’re not.

Sue: Yes, I am!

BC: I’m BC. I’m the black chick.

R: Just...why?

BC: Two birds, one stone.

R: [Brandishes gun] You could be crippled too.

BC: I’ll pass.

R: Spoilsport.

B: Baby, you, me and Wonder Woman could show you two birds and one stone. One rock. Rock hard.

BC: ...

B: Like a threesome. And a penis.

BC: I gathered.